22

It's my last 15 minutes of being 21.

I don't really like birthdays. I don't usually like being the centre of attention. Plus there's so much expectation surrounding them. But still, turning 22 seems like a big deal.

It's like I'm actually a real adult.

Birte asked me tonight if there was anything I wanted to do in the next year of my life. I said I wanted to travel more, which is true. But the question has kind of stuck with me for the past three hours and the answer just hit me.

I want to live without fear. And this seems far-fetched and deep and whatnot, but it's really quite simple.

There are so many things in my life that I don't do because I'm afraid. I don't dance in public unless I'm drunk enough to not care and even then there's a little voice in my head that tells me I look dumb. I sometimes bail out of a social situation that I know could turn awkward (like a date) because I'm too afraid. I avoid situations where I might have to be in a bathing suit. I'm usually the one behind the camera, not in front of it. I'm probably the most subtle person ever when I like someone because I don't want to come off as crazy.

I almost bailed out of this exchange because I was too afraid.

And when I think about all the things I haven't done because I was scared, I wonder. I wonder because there are a lot of thing I have done despite my fear that turned out great, amazing even. And so, I wonder what I might've missed.

There's now 8 minutes until I turn 22. And so, during this next year, I want to live without fear. And I know this isn't a turn-switch thing. I'm not automatically going to be unafraid. But, I can try.